The Horny Toad

Friday, April 07, 2006

Don't wait til 2008 - get your ID Card now!

Don't want to pay £100 for a UK ID card?

Worried about being fingerprinted, iris-scannified, biometricated and probipulated by government officials?

Concerned that the Government will sell your personal information to any old foreign government/guy down the pub with a wad of used fifties?

Scared of the fascist state Charles Clarke is trying to impose on us?

Why wait until 2008?

Get your ID Card from the Horny Toad TODAY for FREE!

  • No biometric datasfication - you're who you are, aren't you?
  • No travelling to an ID centre miles away - it's right here on the web!
  • Does everything the Government's card does - even better!
  • Fights terrorism
  • Cuts benefit fraud
  • Prevents identity theft
  • No massive £15bn database involved - I'm too busy to spy on your life!
  • FREE Magic Golden Bit to help you feel secure
Download your ID card below now - hurry, they're going fast!

How to get your ID and be safe and sound for the rest of your life:

1. Download your card using the link above.
2. Print it out.
3. Fill in your surname and given names. (You can use any colour ink you like - just remember, using green ink and dotting the i's with little circles or smiley faces says more about you than you might prefer others to know. See? I care about your privacy, unlike that rival outfit down in Westminster).
4. Then sign the card.

Congratulations! You have just entered a new world of safety, security and comfort.

Remember to keep your card with you at all times. It protects you against:

identity theft
bird flu
the common cold
bad people - especially dark-skinned ones!
bad luck in love

In addition, every card downloaded reverses global warming and promotes World Peace. So tell your friends!


  • At 7:40 AM, Blogger exceedingly_red said…

    Dear Horny Toad

    The explosive device in my shoe is causing blisters. Will the ID card prevent further soreness?

    Please advise.

  • At 10:25 AM, Blogger The Horny Toad said…

    Dear Exceedingly Red

    Absolutely! Simply rub the Magic Golden Bit against the affected area. Powerful government policies embedded deep in the gold will immediately make you feel better.

    If you find this doesn't work, the problem is that you don't believe enough in government policies. Adjust your attitude and try again.

    ID cards only work with full citizen co-operation. I'd hate to think you might be being uncooperative, citizen...

  • At 10:23 AM, Blogger exceedingly_red said…

    Thanks Horny Toad.

    It's reassuring to know that the Magic Golden Bit
    will put the FUN and the MENTAL back into Fundamentalism.

    I am really looking forward to having my eyes scanned. Earlier today I used a small pin and wrote upon my eyeballs a list of my favourite films and foods. Some of them are foreign in content.

    Will that information mean I won't be allowed to travel on all public transport (buses, tubes, aeorplanes, trains, seaside donkeys) ?

    Please advise.

  • At 12:14 PM, Blogger Philip said…

    Why are the informaticular headings in French as well as English? If these card things are to be worth anything, surely they should prevent the insidious encroachment of Francification upon our shores. There seems little point in preventing terrorism, bird flu, excessive queueing and identity fraud if all the benefits are going to go to some garlicky gaggle of beret-toting strike-mongers.

  • At 4:00 PM, Blogger The Horny Toad said…

    Dear Exceedingly Red

    I'm afraid you have invalidated the warranty on your ID card by exposing yourself to dangerous filth from beyond these shores. I hope you realise the error of your ways.

    You MAY be able to get your card to work again by making a full confession of your thought-crimes at your local police station and paying back your debt to society by undergoing the penance they prescribe.

    As a good citizen you should know that things beyond our shores were not put there for you to investigate: that's what the Government's there for!

    Naturally you will be aware that seaside donkeys and associated infrastructure are Designated Areas under the Terrorism and Serious Organised Crime Act. As a suspect person you should not approach any such vital transport installations. Armed force may be used.

    Phil, as a fellow-batrachian I feel your pain. I too feel deep solidarity with our froggy comrades across the Channel who are subject to such barbarous practices in restaurants. I get the impression you are still in an early stage of recognition of your batrachian nature. May I recommend a local support group?

    Le Grand Crapaud a Cornes

  • At 8:50 PM, Blogger IanP said…

    Horny Toad,

    its been nearly a year since you brilliantly published this.

    Would you object if I republished it, as I feel it has a lot of relevance at the moment.


  • At 9:08 AM, Blogger The Horny Toad said…

    IanP, please do re-publish it wherever you want (except on a government database ;)!)

    spread it far and wide!


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